Win or lose, you won’t know until the die is cast

Shopping in my old nerd-haunt last weekend, I discovered this little gem. At $0.75, it was a perfect metaphor at a pittance.

Doesn’t this represent how so many of us are living our lives? Roll the die and it comes up happy. Roll it again, and it’s sad, or angry, or afraid. More often, we don’t feel like we’re even rolling the dice; someone else is rolling them for us. They say or do something we think is mean, so we feel hurt and angry. They do something nice, it makes us feel happy. This is so common that it feels natural. Yet if you had the choice, would you let someone make that decision for you? Are you ok with letting someone dictate your feelings?

That is essentially what we do. The result is the same regardless of whether we allow someone’s actions to engage our emotions, or if we do it to ourselves.

We have zero control over what we feel. It’s not possible to say, “I’m not going to get angry,” or “I’m not going to be afraid.” Our mind rebels against orders like that. It reminds me of the classic Simpson’s self-help video starring Troy McClure: Get Confident, Stupid! It sounds dumb, because it is. Yet that’s about how effective we are at taking our own advice.

Given that we have no control over what emotions we feel, what are we to do? The answer is simple to see, but difficult putting into practice. We can’t choose what emotions will flow through our minds, but we have the absolute choice in determining our response to them. Are we swept away by the raging torrents of our feelings, powerless in our reaction? Absolutely not. Being powerless in reacting to your feelings is to be subjugated, controlled, and enslaved to your feelings. It might be easier to believe that. Have you ever heard someone claim “I can’t change who I am!” Can’t you? Or won’t you? It’s a convenient excuse to absolve yourself of responsibility, because you’re the Victim. It’s merely an excuse. Yes, you’re a victim all right. A victim of your own mind.

We have a choice, always. We may react or we may observe. Without training, observation is nearly always our last choice. Last, because it’s hard, and it requires us to understand ourselves in a deep, intimate way. The Star Wars metaphor of The Force is apt for showing the difference in response. When we choose to react, it’s like the Dark Side: quicker, easier, more seductive. The Emperor even says, “let the anger flow through you.” He is telling Luke to let his emotions take over. Don’t think. React. Lash out. It’s easy to see how we do this with anger, but we do this with all our emotions.

The other choice is observation, and it is powerful. But it doesn’t seem easy. Instead of being swept away by our feelings, we can watch them flow past us like leaves blowing in the wind. When you learn how to do this, emotions cease to control you and you become free to react to life as it is. Even better, you can see the world and life for what it is, instead of how you imagine it. You might be saying that this sounds crazy, maybe even impossible. I assure you that it’s both true, and it works. I will give you an example, but you don’t have to take my word for it because you can prove it to yourself. If just once you are able to let go of an angry, fearful, sad, or any other emotional response you will have already proven that it works. After that it’s only a matter of repeating as necessary.

Here’s my example. I recently received some information that made feel profoundly unhappy. I was prepared for it, but it was sad nonetheless. My very first reaction was an elevated heartbeat, then sweating. I remembered my training. I looked at the feeling and knew it was the anger response. I said to myself “this is anger”. I didn’t judge it (or me) I just observed it. “This is anger. This is anger.” Soon, maybe seconds later, it changed. Now it was sadness. I said “ok, this is sadness” and observed that for a while. “This is sadness.” After a while it changed into something else. Eventually, the only feeling that remained was compassion. The whole process didn’t take very long, because that is the nature of our emotions when we observe them; they drift away just as they came.

Notice that I didn’t observe “I am/was angry” or “I am/was sad.” This is because there’s a difference between feeling an emotion and being it. This is a crucial point. Look at the words, the language. If you are angry, you define yourself as being the emotion. I hate to break it to you, but you aren’t. You aren’t the earthly manifestation of love, hate, melancholy or anything else. No, you simply are feeling those emotions.

And what are emotions anyway? Emotions are simply strong thoughts. They are often very strong thoughts, but ultimately just thoughts. Most of us are thinking all the time. We are quite capable of easily dismissing normal, everyday thoughts. Thoughts that we recognize as absurd or throwaway thoughts are disposed of without special effort. Yet emotions are also just thoughts, not really different from our everyday thinking. The difference lies in the fact that we have a physiological response to emotions—which is why we call them feelings. Because we feel these thoughts, we give them much more importance than any other thought that runs through our mind. Are they more important? I would say no, we only believe they are more important because we feel them. But this is a debate for another time.

I carry this die around in my pocket. For now it reminds me of how random emotion can be. Mine, or others. Sometimes emotions are predictable, other times they’re like a roll of the dice. If we choose reactivity instead of introspection, we remain imprisoned. It is our choice: Observe our emotions and learn to see life more clearly (and ultimately, begin to eliminate our fear and suffering); or travel through our life as a victim of our feelings.

When you see the world with this awareness it becomes so obvious how so many people around us are utterly trapped by their emotions. We may never free them from their suffering, but we can free ourselves. That’s where we should begin.